Dear lolo,

3/26/25 

3/26/25 

I returned home from work today. It was a long and lonely night. I barely saw anyone. I focused on my art and my favorite content creators. One of my co-workers tried to talk to me early in the shift, but as usual, our conversation went nowhere. It’s not their fault or mine; it’s just the way things are sometimes.

 

I came home to find you nestled in Grandma’s embrace. You looked like an infant ready to take its first steps, laid down and drinking your milk. I didn’t want to disturb your mealtime, so I went to get ready for bed. As I walked past the room where you were so comfortably sitting, I saw you smile at me. With excitement in my voice, I called out your name.

 

I’m always thrilled to see your smile. You have such beautiful eyes. You’re barely a year old, yet you already have so much courage. I’ve watched you grow over the past few months since you’ve been here. You’re getting so big now! I couldn’t believe it when you started trying to walk at just seven months old! Wow! It might be true what they say about Covid babies being built different. And you show it every day.

 

From the very beginning, you seem to want to run. It seems like you’re taking after your father. He was also an athlete, but I’m sure you know that by now. I don’t know why I’m writing this all, but I know I needed to express how beautiful you and your cousins are. Your big cousin has been taking care of you and showing you off since the very beginning. It breaks my heart to know that you and your cousins will never truly know how much your big cousin, your uncle and I, love you all.

 

Perhaps this is why I needed to write this. To remind myself of the little moments when I was able to hold you without judgment, or someone sneakingly taking you or your cousin out of my arms. The way your warm tiny head looked for mine to nestle upon. Perhaps it’s to remind myself that at some point, I held you all. I fed you from afar, hugged you, kissed you, and excitedly told you I loved you. Even if you don’t understand yet, and perhaps you never will, I want you to know that Titi loves you all.

Invisible! 

Imagine paying for a room you barely use, buying food you can barely cook due to an infestation. Imagine waking up hungry after paying your bills earlier in the week and deciding, “Fuck the infestation! I need to eat.” Imagine starting your meal at 9 a.m. only to have guests arrive at 10 a.m. Despite the obvious presence of your guests in the kitchen, you decide to continue cooking. Imagine standing at the stove with fake confidence, feeling like you’re about to be swallowed by the earth beneath. Less than 30 minutes later, you admit defeat and turn off the stove. Leave and crawl back into your room, waiting for the “guests” to leave. Imagine that these guests were once your confident and the only person you thought you could trust in your family. Imagine waiting 3 hours to eat the food you had prepared, all because someone decided to come to your home and act like you didn’t exist. I don’t have to imagine that; I’m living it right now.

Dear Maggie,

Hey, my apologies for the late reply. Long week. I wanted to say I appreciate your words. Yet, I can’t go on pretending that everything is ok.

 

Sin pelos en la lengua, the biggest culprits are your husband and his sister. When I walk into the room neither acknowledge my presence.

 

In my heart and soul I wish I had a friensship with you and Corine which both I really like as people. If you or Corine were in my situation I’m sure ya’ll would understand.

 

Being in a household where literally everyone gives me the silent treatment out nowhere is getting old and I don’t have the space in my heart to keep caring. The same  people who claim to care about me basically use the silent treatment as a form of abuse when they want to disrespect me to my face and I’m supposed to stay quiet.

 

Like, I said before this predates you and as much as I wish things were different I’m no one to be bothered with because your husband clearly has a problem with me I can’t have a friendship with you and not feel like I’m putting myself in yet another situation where I end up losing.  I don’t expect understanding.

 

In the end all that matters to me are the kids. I love your kids like they are my own and I do what I can to take care of them but kids aren’t stupid. They see and feel what the adults do and trust me when I tell you as much as I have taken care of the kids I can already see how they react to me being around and not for nothing I’m not going to put myself in a situation where I can get in trouble with kids cause they react to how the adults act.

I wish things were different. 

Family

What is the meaning of family? 
 
 According to google family is in technical terms

"Family: A family is a group of two or more persons related by birth, marriage, or adoption who live together; all such related persons are considered as members of one family."  

When we think of family we think

"Family means having someone to love you unconditionally in spite of you and your shortcomings. Family is loving and supporting one another even when it's not easy to do so. It's being the best person you could be so that you may inspire your love ones."

 

I look around and I realize my only true family is my child.

I live in the technical definition of family. Stuck in a household where I'm gaslit. Treated as if my flaws are my only attributes and my very existence makes everyone around me feel some type of way. 

Slowly building a life and a relationship with my partner. Slowly becoming the father figure to my son. Most of my time is spent at his place. I enjoy my time there. It's peaceful and it's nice.

But their not my family. Their not my technical family or unconditional family. Sure, they ask about me when I'm not around but when I'm around barely anyone speaks to me. I constantly feel out of place. I'm not family. 

One could argue that maybe they just need to find ways to connect but the truth is I've tried. When I find myself in the house with someone without my partner I used to try to make conversations. I don't recall any conversations coming to fruition. Yet, when they talk to each other it's nonstop. It doesn't take a genius to see the obvious signs of someone trying to back out of a conversation. 

I don't have a home to go to where I feel wanted. I don't have a group chat with people in and out of the home. I'm not a Vidal so I don't get to join the group chat. 

However, the one who birthed me and her husband give me things. Care about my son. Ask about me when I'm gone a day longer. Then they ignore me when I come back. Say things like "huh, not gonna be able to shower now that's she's home." Referring to my need to use the restroom while he's galigagging with the grandkids.

 

I'm sick of their game. But most of all I'm kinda sick of having to pretend that people care about me when they are doing it out of courtesy. 

Maybe I should shit in the streets like a vagrant 

 Being here is mentally draining. I barely leave the room. I occasionally go to the kitchen to scope the place. Rarely use the restroom even when I desperately need to and when I do, I try to rush through it. 
 
 I took my metformin today. Metformin gives me diarrhea. Unfortunately for me a bout of diarrhea hit me shortly after her husband got home. Half hour since his arrival, she tells him that he should shower so that he can hold the new grandchild. I was in the restroom for 5 minutes. In which span I heard his son and baby's mom leaving the baby for the grandparents to take care of them. After they leave she tells him "go shower" he responds, "is Alex here?" She responds "yes" his response "hah, I'll never be able to take a shower if she's here" I've used the bathroom 4x today. It's currently been an hour since this, now I fear moving or eating or having a cup of coffee I desperately want because I don't want to shit myself. 

I have since been MIA with partner because what's the point of talking about it. Like they said before it's not their poblem. I'm gearing myself up to have coffee and hope for the best. 

I'll first cry as I mentally prepare myself to move about and not be an "inconvenience" simply for existing. 

Rent is due

I pay mom rent every month. Without fail. I had to use rent money for groceries for me and my child last month. Funnily enough I ended up not using it but rather saved it and found another way to feed us. A rent war ensued, because I wanted to feed my kid and not go negative in my account. I let my account go negative. Saved the rent and now taking control over my life. One rent at a time. 

She tried to call me and I ignored her call. I was running errands and was not wasting time on the phone when I was on my way back.

 

I get back to get my camera. She stops me at the door and asks me about rent.

 

I owe her two months. I haven’t paid her because in order to pay her I have to pay her extra because the rent is an odd number and ATMs only give even number cash. I told her last month. The option for cash is no longer available.

 

Giving her cash every month leaves me needing the extra cash that is required to pay her. I’m tired of being $5 short and having to pay over Draft fees because she wants cash.

 

I told her in writing and told her to her face. When I have an even number to take out of the ATM then I will pay her. It would mean I would pay her every 3 months instead of monthly.

 

I told her that unless she gives me back my change. I won’t be paying her more. I don’t have it. I also gave her the option of using Zelle to send her the money through her favorite child.

 

She didn’t like any of those ideas, clearly.  Yet didn’t say another word. So rent will be due on the 3rd every 3 months. Wish me luck

If you ask my sister what she thinks of me this what she would say.  open letters to family

Dad??

Today has been a weird day. Although calm a storm brews in the household.

It always starts the same. Minor inconveniences that somehow make me the bad person.

 

This morning, I attempt to rest a bit more. I don’t have to be up super early. I’m woken up by yelling. Baldy, my stepfather is on the phone. Yelling at someone at the top of his lungs. I try to ignore it but decide to get up. Suddenly he’s gone.

 

I use the restroom. A few minutes into my use he comes back. A rattle on the door knob. Baldy doesn’t knock. He tests the knob.

 

God forbid I accidentally forget to lock the door.

 

No privacy.

 

It’s like being paranoid of hidden cameras in the restroom.

 

No privacy.

 

The door doesn’t always lock. (Luckily, it’s close to the bowl so It can be closed and locked if someone attempts to come in.)

 

I had, had enough time to use the restroom properly before he started knocking and huffing that he needed the restroom. I leave the restroom without a word.

 

Fast forward to the afternoon. I need to use the restroom, again. I’m in the middle of my cycle and get constipated.

 

Without fail.

 

Every month.

 

It’s exhausting and frustrating.

 

My body suddenly reacts to him coming in with his wife (dear mom.) I stopped myself mid-poop and started wiping.

 

I wasn’t fast enough.

 

I hear the door knob jiggle. I had not properly locked the door but noticed it in time.

 

I hear him ask her who’s in the restroom. She responds: my name.

 

I hear him huff. A few seconds later yelling my name to hurry up and leave the bathroom.

 

I ignore him and continue to clean myself. Frustration building up. I can’t clean myself fast enough.

 

I’m trying.

 

Yelling.

 

I have enough and hurriedly redress and wash my hands. I leave and he starts yelling in my face. I yell back.

 

I’m now the asshole for having to clean my A**

Dear family,