I feel lost. This is the hurtful part of the healing process. Being alone. Sitting alone quietly shedding tears wishing I had someone to reach out to. Only to remember no one is here for me.

I have no one to talk to so I'm going to talk about it in my blog. My own company is enough I suppose.

Too burnt out to build new relationships. Burning the bridges of the past that held me back. Look behind my shoulders no one is here to reassure me.

To remind me that it will be OK. So I remind myself as I hide the tears. I will smile someday again, till then I'll be my own company. I'll continue to hug myself. Hug my teddies. I need comfort as I have an anxiety attack. My period aggrieving my emotions.

"You fight too much." I'm told.

I was once told by my previous therapist that I should be alone there goes that hug I desperately need. I have to be alone. I deserve it because I'm a bitch on my period. I fight too much. I fuck with peoples energy, I'm told. So, therapist was right. i don't deserve a hug. I feel as though I'm bloody a pariah So, Who do I reach out to when I'm told I'm always fighting?

 No one understands. So, why keep reaching out. I'm a pariah. I only care about fighting, So I guess I'll fight alone.

I'll fight for a better tomorrow. 

The pain ripping through my soul.

It's crushing me.

Who do I turn to when I feel I have no one?

I wish upon a star for a better tomorrow, where a hug is just available for me. 

Cheers to my sad, pathetic existence.  tomorrow will be better, I reassure myself.

Voluntary Lonliness

I used to want close connections with people. I didn't feel right if I didn't have someone to dot on and be there for. Loyalty is a big thing for me. If I'm loyal to someone I will stick it out till the end. Or at least I used to. Heartbreak does interesting things to the mind. It can re-frame ones thinking. I had a couple of platonic heartbreak. The second heartbreak after husband's death, her leaving when I truly needed her really changed my perspective.

Suffering and healing for the better part of a decade. Time doesn't heal wounds, rather gives other things to focus on. As time passed, I became more and more introverted. Having friends no longer my goal. Building connections an exhausting task that is far from my mind. As time goes on and I find myself more and more alone, and I wonder if I'll ever want another connection, or am I leading the path of voluntary loneliness.

I'am cute

Growing up I didn't have friends. I was bullied all the way up until high school. I was often told I was ugly. I grew up believing that I was indeed ugly. So deep were the words that someone calling me cute triggered the living hell out of me. I would fight, get upset, cry. I wasn't cute. I wasn't trying to be cute. cute made me feel vulnerable. I wanted to be seen as a strong, smart, independent woman.

But I was cute.

33 years, I lived as an ugly woman in my head. fighting the claws that ripped from within. The voices of the past reminding me to stay in line. I was ugly. My partners were just seeing me through rose colored glasses. 

2 years ago while on my way to meet Camden at work. I was on the phone with my second partner at the time, Seth, he wanted his grandma to meet me, but my mind was somewhere else. My mind was on the reflection staring back at me.  A slender woman, olive skin, saddened and worn eyes. stress and anxiety overcoming her body. Her eyes continue to focus on the reflection. WOW! I look cute! my mind screamed for the first time in my 33 years on this earth. For the first time I was seeing the eyes, the face, the skin, that holds it all together. another part of my identity. I found myself

Growing up