My rican prince 

My rican prince comes home. I meet him at the door as he comes to tell us all about his day.

 

One of my favorite scenes in sappy rom coms. Hubby coming home to wifey meeting him at the door.

 

Swooning over,  as he tells me about his day and I tell him about mine as I make dinner for us.

 

It’s only been two day since he started his new job both days he has come home taken his shirt off and help me in the kitchen.

 

He is a treasure of a man. A Gem among the coal.

 

He cleans.

 

He picks  me up after work.

 

He helps me with dishes.

 

Takes out the garbage.

 

Makes sure I have dinner when I work late.

 

He treasures me like, I treasure him.

 

I’m going to marry my rican prince someday. That day I’ll be the happiest bride in the universe. I won the lottery with my rican prince 💜

He made the bed

The new bed set is cute. It’s lavender and fluffy. It’s warm. It looked so beautiful on his bed. It was perfect, aside from the fitted sheet not being big enough.

 

No worries.

 

We still rested snuggled up and holding hands like otters. Not letting the other float too far away.

 

 

  We went out to get us dinner. He waited ready for me. Said hi to the family and off we went. Had a friendly chat about my new gaming buddy and his favorite new pc set up.

 

He showed me his new build. It’s pretty cool! He can be a bit obsessive about things but I’m rarely bothered by it. I love when he talks to me about his interests.

 

  I do appreciate when I get the same undivided attention from him.

 

  For dinner we couldn’t find anything to watch so we watched a trailer for a new game coming next year.

 

Pretty cool.

 

 

Afterwards, he told me to close my eyes. I wasn’t sure why so I looked at my phone. When I looked up he had put on Barbie.

 

I was thrilled.

 

I’m still smiling thinking about it. It was so well made. It was a great movie. We both  had a lot of fun watching the movie. I snuggled up next to him on the couch and I was comfy as all ever.

 

I missed his touch. Missed his smell. Missed his kisses. He made date night all I wanted. Just wish we had popcorn lol

Gifts

My biggest passion is  both receiving and giving gifts. I love receiving and giving well thought out,  simple gifts. Gifts that mean something special to the person receiving it.

 

Often times my gifts come in the form of little notes. Handmade crafts, handmade cards. Sometimes when finances allow I buy what is needed.

 

Sometimes I’ll see something the other person will like and I’ll get it. I love the feeling of gratitude I get from the receiving end. It’s a gift in itself.

 

I love their smile. There’s something about a well thought out gift that makes it that much more satisfying and meaningful. Unlike getting something out of obligation.

 

 

I wanted to get my partner a personalized gift for Vday. Something special for us. Everything I’ve found so far are things I’m sure he will want to share with others.

 

Remembering the past couple of years when partner has looked at things to get for loved ones how hard he works to make sure they get something special.

 

This year hoing so far as to use his Christmas gift card to purchase his cousins’ gift. Couple days after Christmas takes me to a clothing store helping me pick out an outfit and pjs. Things I’ve been needing, A gift for his mom.

 

All the while I thought he had the money to pay for it. Or have half the money for My Christmas gifts. Today, I paid the last $100+ cause I missed a payment and had to pay more than the original purchase.

 

The insulting part is being told outside the store. “This is why I waited. I didn’t want to get the wrong thing” I was barely asked what I wanted and as specific as I had been and had given suggestions I still ended up buying my own gifts.

 

The last drop in this saga is the bed set I wish I had gotten for my bed. I haven’t had the opportunity to get new sheets for my bed. It’s depressing. My comforter is thin and leaves me cold.

 

It’s not his fault, however, I decided since I spend more time with him getting new sheets for his bed would make more sense.

 

All I asked is that he spent a few minutes verifying it’s what we both wanted. I’ve longed for a set of big comforter sets to come back to but that’s not been possible.

 

 

Sheets arrive and the response, “when did you verify the size?”

 

The 5 different times I found a possible set. While sitting next to me. Am I not worth two brain cells to figure out sheets together?

 

Waiting till I decide on a set to tell me that they have bought them before and it wasn’t the right size.

 

Would have been helpful information at the time on the couch when I needed the input.

 

But, what I needed at the moment wasn’t important enough to help me figure out.

 

Ruining another gift I so carelessly give because I care. I don’t always feel as I’m met with the same energy. Money comes and goes but giving someone their full attention costs nothing.

A day in our lives 

7:45am partners alarm goes off. Turns around to cuddle me 2 - 5 mins. Time for him to get up brush teeth, go to work.

 

8:30am

 

Talk about frustration at work, frustrating customers. (Customer service sucks).

 

9:30 am.

 

What’s for lunch?  breakfast? can we afford it? Talk about money. Do we have it?

 

yes.

 

We get breakfast.

 

11am.

 

Time to get lunch. Been looking and discussing possibilities since 9:30.

 

12pm, break.

 

Long phone call. Partner is running late. No worries we still got an hour. Go downstairs. Lunch is ready.

 

Say hi to family.

 

12:20pm.

 

Eat lunch. It’s cold it bothers my stomach.

 

I don’t eat much.

 

Just want to cuddle.

 

12:45pm.

 

Alexa turn off bedroom.

 

Time to cuddle on the couch finish the episode of the latest show. It feels nice. 

 

12:50pm.

 

10 minutes before clock in.

 

Energy shifts.

 

Stress.

 

Back to work.

No more cuddles.

 

Kisses throughout the day when things get too stressful at work.

 

I smile.

 

It feels nice to be kissed on.

 

Makes me feel good.

 

Quietly sit while they work. Can’t make any noise.

 

Can’t find anything to watch.

 

Check Facebook. Listen to podcasts. Watch YouTube videos.

 

3pm.

 

Almost time for the little one to get home from school. Watch time.

 

Are you home?

 

Home. The not so little, little guy texts back.

 

He hates questions.

Don’t know what to say. I ask the usual nonetheless. “Fine” is the only response I’ll get.

 

 

 

I’m bored. I wanna make dinner for us. No groceries?! Too many dishes?!

 

Got groceries. 

 

It’s 3:30pm.

 

Child is home safe.

 

Time to get cooking. Start doing dishes.

 

4pm.

 

Make dinner as I clean.

 

5:30 dinner is almost ready.

 

Dishes are almost done.

 

I’m exhausted. Bent over the counter. Bent over the sink. My back is screaming, STOP!

 

I’ve been lying down all day, I tell myself but really I’m doing so much I can barely walk.

 

6pm.

 

 

Clock out time. Come downstairs to help me get dinner. I love when he comes to help me. Garbage full. Takes out trash.

 

 

Dinner is ready. Chat with family for a bit. Nice to see them but food is getting cold.

 

Oh well, this is important.

 

7:15pm

 

What are we watching?

 

Finished the previous show earlier. Skim through all platforms. Finally something to watch.

 

7:30pm.

 

Food is good. Partner enjoys it. He eats my food with such pleasure. I love cooking for us.

 

Gotta do dishes again. Ugh.

 

 

I wanna cuddle and have sex.

 

Do an activity with partner.

 

Ding! “Let’s get on Destiny. I’m available.” I imagine the text that has popped up on his phone.

 

Look’s at phone  8:30pm.

I hear, "The boys wanna play."

Ok yeah, go play. I say. Disappointed but understanding I’m always there we can always find time another day.

 

It’s been a shitty day at work.

 

10:30pm

 

I’m bored. I wish I was part of the group chat. He tries to include me but by then I’m already sucked into my own thing and don’t want to be bothered. I wanna escape this reality.

 

Notices Partner no longer speaks to friends over headsets. Now they text.

 

I feel alone and I have no one to share my interests with. I have no one to talk to. I go to bed.

 

 

Tomorrow will be different, I tell myself. He will find something to do with me tomorrow,  I tell myself.

 

Tomorrow.

 

The cycle begins again. I don’t cook. I let him go pick up the food. I don’t feel comfortable being around everyone.

 

30 minutes since delivery arrived.

 

Finally food. I’ve been patiently starving while the family chats.

 

 

Tonight will be the night, I tell myself. I told him I wanted sex and a massage. Tonight is the night.

 

Let me not screw it up and just eat.

 

Watch a show.

 

Watch a movie.

 

Uncomfortably cuddle.

 

Neck hurts.

 

We’re cuddling stop complaining.

 

It’s better than nothing, I tell myself.

 

He’s stressed. His heartbeat is fast. He’s distracted. I’m distracted.

 

I can feel his stress energy. “What’s wrong?” “I’m stressed about work”

 

11pm.

 

I’m bored. I’m going to bed, enjoy the games. He’s still stressed. This isn’t happening tonight. He’s off tomorrow. Tomorrow for sure.

 

Tomorrow

 

Someone else became available.

Quality time

Spending time doing things that bond two people together. Quality time is different for everyone.

 

For me quality time is having a present partner. No devices. No outside sources. Just partner and I. Painting. Coloring. Walking. Date nights. Sexual exploration. Play a video game together while we chat about our aspirations and chat about nothings.

 

The outside world nonexistent for a couple of hours. Where partner and I are lost in our little world. We bond on a different level from everyone else.

 

I don’t have that however, I have timeshares between 8 - 10 hour shifts, getting meals prepped whether ordering out or cooking. Somehow getting fed takes as much time as a part time job. Can’t imagine what it would be like if there was a baby involved.

 

2 - 3 hours of tv shows. Phones on hand at all times on rare occasions out of sight for cuddles. Never too far away.

 

Video games with friends and family. I get asked to play but then left to figure it out on my own.

 

(I’m not a gamer) I need guidance but that’s boring why stay to play with me or guide me, when actual gamers want to play.

 

I timeshare between work, games, conversations about gaming/ electronic devices, sports, other people rarely care to know anything about me.

 

Since I started Working it has made time together less stressful but also feel more distant.

 

 

Working on weekends hasn’t helped to change anything. Everyone else is available on weekends but gaming needs to happen during the week, regardless of the fact that we have 1 full day during the week where we can spend time together and still have time for gaming on weekends.

 

 

Saying anything about gaming with friends and family ultimately gets put in the guilt tripping category or I’m told that gaming helps with distressing.

 

I feel I only deserve a couple of hours during the week after a long annoying frustrating day at customer service. I get the overworked, over stressed over job version while gaming friends and family get the fun having partner. I often sit in the corner jealous because they don’t seem to have that much fun with me as they sound to be having with other people.

 

I’ve found over the years It’s easier to cater to other people because making plans with me is too much work.

 

I feel alone even when we are together and as much as things have gotten better time together hasn’t. I’m pushing away. I’m making work my new home.

 

The only place I truly feel welcomed. Quality time has been the thorn in my relationship. Now, I’ll just slowly disappear into the void of work. The only place where quality time doesn’t matter. The only place where I don’t feel utterly and exhaustively alone.

They don't understand. I have no fight left. I just wanted to feel heard but I was lying to myself. Told myself they were hearing me. I don't think they ever heard me. Things wouldn't feel this bad if they would have. 

Just because it's Tuesday 

On a Tuesday morning while at work, he told me he had a delivery coming and I should keep on eye on my phone. I asked "waiting for a new game? He confirms, yes. 

I remember it like it was yesterday. Even though it's been a couple of weeks. I fell asleep. Completely forgetting the delivery. I'm glad I did. It wouldn't have been as good if I hadn't. 

A couple of hours later I wake up. My phone is ringing. The delivery is here. I run down the stairs to meet the delivery person. 

upon opening the door I see a bouquet. Beautifully crafted with love and dedication. It was perfect. Sunflowers, babies breath, roses and beautiful purple fillers. It smelled incredible. 

Times are really tight for us. As I pick up the bouquet I think to myself, someone in the house got flowers. Out of curiosity I look at the card. 

I do a double take. They can't be for me. We don't have a special occasion or have done anything special to get flowers. 

Right there in front of me was this incredible bouquet. With MY NAME ON THE CARD! I still smile thinking about it. He got me flowers because it was Tuesday. 

Just because it's Tuesday. 💜

lunch

Remnants of a well deserved lunch.

As I sit and watch T.V he stressfully handles the work day.

Call after call.

Ticket after ticket.

Customer service is grueling.

I watch the utensils left behind from his lunch break.

Our routine.

12pm go downstairs meet me in the kitchen, talk to family, sit beside me and eat lunch.

Always aware of the time as I cuddle up next to him on the couch.

Like, my fork on his spoon. He unconsciously picks up my plate.

I subconsciously pick up his.

We realize we have each other's dinners and we laugh.

Holding on.

One phone call at a time. We will have dinner together and the work day will end. Soon, Cuddles in each other's arms. My favorite part of our routine. Until then I'll remember our routine. 

like our fork and spoon united by food

Eye of the storm 

I recently saw a question being asked on social media, something along the lines of what marriage advice would counselors give.

 

I saw a comment that summed up where I stand today in my relationship with Camden.

 

The commenter put it beautifully “love is not enough. It’s not. Common values, integrity, attachment styles (we have the worst anxious/avoidant), love languages, argument and restoration style (we argue and never restore)… all critical things to know about and navigate together. If one person is always peering over the railing looking to jump ship, the ship is gonna sink”CJ

 

I fear that our ship is bound to sink. I feel the waters calming.

 

The eye of the storm. I fear the storm is shattering the little shelter I had left in our relationship.

 

Feeling further and further away on the ship, heading towards the bottom of our broken vessel.

 

 

His idea of what he wants for the near future surely sounds like he is peering over the railing.

 

I think it’s really time I start to go back to where It is inevitable to go. I need to get out of here and I can’t keep waiting for another person to help me.

 

I’m on my own and desperately clawing in the dark about a future that doesn’t have common values, argument restorations, similar futures, attachment styles.

 

It’s time I get used to living alone. It’s not so terrible after all.

Void of a future together 

I’ve been thinking about the future in a way I never imagined I could dream. I lost the ability to dream for a better future when Dan passed away.

 

After all I was out and now I was back.

 

I stopped dreaming of the big house. I stopped dreaming of the balcony. I stopped imagining I could make it. I convinced myself the best I could do was public housing.

 

With today’s economic crisis I’d be crazy to think I could get a house. It’s all over social media. “The silent depression” were all suffering.

 

Yet, for the first time in a long time, I’m dreaming again. I’m building my dream home. I’m taking minimal odds and ends  scraping by so my son and my partner could eat.

 

Yet, I’m ok scrapping by because it’s getting me one step closer to my dream home. My dream home..

 

A balcony, old Victorian furniture, an attic, a basement, 3 - 4 bedrooms.

 

Halloween and Christmas themed decorations.

 

A foyer for the shoes and coats.

 

A tub big enough to soak my tired body after a long day of diy projects. A bath awaiting me set up by Camden to help me relax at the end of the day.

 

Sometimes I dream, my dream home has a separate room for Camden to practice their music.

 

My son with his own room.

 

A back yard big enough for a garden. A dog or two for My son & future baby with Camden and a snooty cat running around.

 

A bed big enough to fit a beautiful canopy for Camden and I to lay at night and make love under the skylight above.

 

Mirror’s strategically positioned for us to see ourselves.

 

Sometimes, I imagine myself in a big house.

 

My son in his room and Camden in his own world making music as I run around the house fixing it and cooking.

 

While,  I dream of having a partner that would be available to nurture me I’m confronted with a partner that plans a future as if he plans to be a bachelor.

 

Texts telling me “I want  a little place. I need it to be big enough for me to game, sleep and make music. If I can work out in it, that’s even better. I need to reinvent myself.”

 

All plans for a future alone.

 

Catching himself in the process, “That’s if we aren’t together of course. If we are, I’m sure we would figure out how to make the space work for us”

 

I sit in disillusion sometimes. Why plan for a future with me when he clearly isn’t really thinking about our future together. What will he do when I finally get out? Leave the place he says he needs? Make a “space” for him in my house so he can live his bachelor life?

 

I dream of our future together up until he tells me how he sees himself in the near future.

 

I felt at peace knowing we were working together. Now, I sit in turmoil as I continue to push forward for me and my son.

 

He plans for a future void of us. It’s that single mindedness that makes me stop in my tracks.

 

As I protest, I express that when they speak of the future for themselves I fear we won’t workout. “That’s where I start to feel off. The way you see the future often makes me wonder if we are actually working towards a future together” I text.

 

His response, “I get really annoyed when you say this” “like I get really mad”

 

Hmm

 

They have the nerve to tell me that they are mad at me for expressing such fear.

 

He wants me to believe that he wants to build a home together, yet, his future homes are for his brother and his cousins.

 

When we talk about moving out they tell me that we can’t because of our finances as if I wasn’t aware of such fact.

 

Sometimes tells me they want to make it big so they can spoil me but how can I feel spoiled when most of the time I’ll be alone.

 

Distance isn’t the issue. It’s the one sided mindset. That! That’s my issue. I dream of a future with a partner that will be available and my heart tells me he will try but, it won’t be enough.

 

The dynamic is unbalanced. He dreams of his time alone. I dream of family  and quality time.

 

He said he gets  mad at me when I say that I fear we won’t workout because his future visions don’t include me.

 

I support his dreams. At this point I can only assume he is supportive of me. Words are all that say he is. I’ve asked to help here with the blog I’m not sure he has looked at it in weeks. Time for games but not time to read and help support me on the blog.

 

I want my own things outside of us and our family. Then I ask myself, when do we foster connection when we are always off doing other things?

 

 

He  speaks of a future void of my existence, reminds me that it is if we don’t workout and yet, I must trust it will workout.

 

He’s a good man but sometimes I feel incompatible with his future visions.

He's a good man

Anxiety is the killer of my relationship. A week ago i was convinced it wasn't going to work. we were at the end of the tunnel. Today I realized he is my better half. The half that tames the beast inside. The half that reminds me of the beauty that makes me whole. Today I realized that he is the only one I can truly rely on. He's a good man but my anxiety kills the reality of who he is, reminding me of a past monster that never truly existed.  

Relationship destruction

They don't see it. man!, they don't see the work. They only see the sitting on the couch. The lazy afternoon. The uncleaned house. the un-showered wife. 

 

He doesn't see it. He sees some of it but he doesn't see the full picture. 

Man, gotta explain it over and over before they truly understand.

I've decided to just give up and wave the white flag. I gave up on the relationship. I didn't give up on him though. He doesn't understand.

He doesn't understand that therapy was supposed to help him see my side of things but instead he felt it was an attack on him.

What else is new?

Like, I didn't rimmed individually by the therapist. Like, hello we both have fucking issues

 No, he isn't a narcissist or anything like that. I know people love jumping on that wagon.

Its your typical men just don't get it kinda situation.

Except mine does the dishes, takes out the garbage. loves me and actually tries but keeps finding himself "spinning the wheels in mud" as our therapist said to me. I just have a big load on me as does he and it feels as I'm the only one who has to compromise to adjust.

Work is stressful?

let me make him a beautiful dinner.

But

Wait I gotta go to the market. I gotta do the dishes. I gotta go to multiple sources to get nice veggies.

I'm exhausted.

keep pushing.

It'll be worth it.

cut the veggies.

cook.

cut the meat.

cook..

look at the time.

fuck its already 5 and its not ready.

I rested too long and now dinner is late.

I feel guilty.

He comes down tries to help but I feel bad.

I should have been done by now.

I refuse his help. we get upstairs. he, Thanks me. 

Thank you is given.

appreciation is given.

But I don't feed my soul with those things.

While nice to hear and appreciated to receive, it doesn't have the impact that showing the gratitude does to me.

He does try.

He just doesn't understand the time pressure that comes with it. 

I gave up trying to explain it.

I fight too much, is his ultimate take on my despair cries for help and understanding. 

I wave the white flag. I surrender.  

It takes time to really see things from my perspective. I've been seeing overtime. he does eventually get it. He comes to me and acknowledges it and that's when I finally feel able to move on from it.

But it does indeed take time.

I told our therapist that, I'm frustrated by the lack of reasonable compromises. Its one sided and I'm tired.

So, now instead of "arguing" about it I'll stay silent.

I'm breaking off this relationship. if he truly wants me as his wife. HE'll know what to do.

If not I'm prepared to do it alone and be single.

I have to prioritize. I need out of this hell at home

This relationship isn't worth it.

We both know it.

So, basically I'm keeping the man and throwing away the relationship. Its just gonna take time.  

Recycle

Here we go again. Another argument over my feeling scared. I cant feel anything without offending him. I'm tired. 

Someone close to him told him about a dream that involved us. They said I'm the one.Instantly my mind goes back to a similar story my dead fiance told me when we first started dating. We were having a baby. I was in a black hospital gown I was goth. This man didn't know me, somehow, knew I was goth. similar dream happened to someone 

Relationships

He’s a good man. A good partner. A kindred spirit.

A shattered soul.

Like me.

Struggling.

Looking for a way out of the confusion.

Why is she mad at me? He thinks to himself.

I see it.

I tentatively cultivate space in my mind for the little things.

I don’t always display them. I just do them.

I had the opportunity to say, ‘I told you so.’ But I didn’t.

I had the opportunity to say, ‘you should have listened.’

But I didn’t.

I don’t care about being right.

I care about doing, right .

Listen. Or read. Text our only form of communication. A bad option. Text a few things.

Withdraw.

Stress is in the air.

Rein it in.

All work no play.

Makes my Camden a stressed shell of a man.

Like many others around us.

We’re all struggling. I see his struggles. He’s a good partner. He does the dishes without asking. Offers to do them after work. Before dinner. Takes out the garbage every week like clockwork. Gives me hugs and kisses. Gives me love.
Stress.

Miscommunications.

Anxiety.

Ruining our peace of mind. Where do we go from here? I wonder. As I realize we’re both struggling. We both need a hug.

I bought an extra pack of chicken today. 

Where did it all go wrong?

I bought an extra pack of chicken. I stood in front of the freezer at the Market. Counting out the thighs and legs combo on sale.

 

Two packs for the house. It should be enough. I count out how many each of us can get. One pack will feed us three. Two packs in the cart.

 

I should get an extra one for us to have when I come over. Done.

 

I had a budget. Under $100.

 

It’s just one pack no big deal. Move on.

 

Find chips. On sale! Yay! They have sour cream and onion.

 

I remember,  he likes those. I Happily put it in the cart. We all have a bag of chips. Buy 2 get 1.

Done. ✅

Pizza on sale. Can’t find it. Wtf is this $10 what. I saw it for 4.99. Cant afford 10. Oh there it is hidden. Haha, Score.

Also on the list. ✅

He hates it when I get frozen pizza.

I get it, I’m not a lover but it’s all I can afford. It’ll do. At least I’m eating something, I think to myself.

 

Ice cream. On the list. Damn! No pecan. Chocolate and vanilla. Only 2.

It’ll melt anyways. Not worth the buy.

Move on.

Cereal is on SALE! What?! Yes, sir let’s do this!

I happily choose two of his favorite flavors. He wakes up hungry so at least he’ll have cereals he can choose from in the morning.

Checkout.

Chocolate is on sale! What?!! It’s not a bad deal?

Now everyone gets something.

For sure.

Nothing that is appealing to me.

I pick up m&ms. Peanuts. we all enjoy that one.

Oh Hershey’s.

Gotta keep moving. Grumpy old lady behind.

Time to pay.

Oh the chocolate. I remember, two KitKats. He and j (his mom) like KitKats. I remember him telling me when we were picking up candles for his grandma earlier this year.

I enjoy them from time to time but I thought of his mom.

Hersheys for Mike. Done.

Checkout girl is nice. Grumpy old lady is getting grumpier. Ehh. Be grumpy on your own. I’m ignoring her ass.

Oh look at me putting groceries away like a pro.

Ya’ll need a bagger I’m available.

I mean,  look at this expert bagging I’m doing.

Done.

Oooh this is a big cart $129 and change.

$30 over.

No worries.

I got paid today. Overdraft covered.

I was able to afford the extra pack of chicken. Where did it go wrong?

 

I fear the end is near

The more I'm honest with myself the more I fear the end of us. I can no longer justify the arguments. keeping busy and minding myself. Cook dinner, hour long phone call, grocery shop, listen to music, blog, take off the watch, ignore the phone for unwanted notifications. Occasionally check to see if partner has texted. Respond when I'm not busy.

A text comes through. I don't see it right away. I'm gearing up for another post. I see the text. i ask a scenario question. I want to make an opening for what is on my mind and why the text might come off the way it did. Another argument. Another misunderstanding. 

He tells me I'm preventing him from freely expressing himself. I say, I'm just asking an unrelated question. Tells me that he is not responsible for my past. a thousand step to the wrong conclusion. I Give up. I stonewall, anxiety rising. Anxiety attack ensues again. 

I say, I'm done talking. I'm stonewalling. I just don't want to argue. 

he tries to send cute videos. My walls are up. Its unhealthy. I try to correct it. He says "We could have just talked tomorrow in person" (When were we meeting? I question myself.) "I'm going to take a nap, I cant deal with this right now." He texts me. 

I leave Him alone. I don't need to join in his misery, I have my own. I'm not responsible for work stress and I cant continue down this destructive path

confusion 

He tells me he loves to have me around. Yet, I stress him out. He loves having me around, but I argue too much. He loves me, but he's afraid of me. Tells me his family misses my cooking, but once told me I shouldn't try to “escape” into them because of my situation at home. So, I spend less time there. I apologized for something I wasn't intending to do. He tells me everything will workout but we can't have an anniversary because we might not workout. He tells me he loves having me around but we don't do anything. When I'm not around he walks after work. How many times have I asked for a walk in nature?  Efforts have been made though. He tells me he wants to lose weight I encourage him, yet, no workouts are done when I'm around. 

I Used to tell him we should hang with the family, he tells me we can't because he needs to spend his time with me. Meanwhile, I'm sitting on the couch on my phone as he has his gaming time with his boys. That's important

He tells me he wants me to join in Diablo. I get excited, it's the first game I can actually play and not feel like a disjointed toddler trying to control the characters. Now I play alone. After arguments about it I just gave up. Now all the people who were supposed to play with us gave up on the game and he lost interest. So, I play alone. A bonding experience lost again. No understanding why the arguments ensued, well I'm looking at it. Again my anxiety proving me right. The minute he started inviting other people I knew it would like this.  

The small things that mattered to me, now just words on a screen. Words once spoken, yelled a bunch of times, cried, and mourned. I  keep asking where do I go from here? Sounds to me he's better without me there

Terrible partner

I'm a terrible partner. instead of accepting the words I ask questions to better understand. But what I accomplish is stress them out. I must be a terrible partner because instead of accepting it I make it more difficult for them,  just like their customers. I don't want to respond anymore. I'm tired of being told what a shitty partner I'am and then have it thrown back at me. somehow I make them stressed for responding to their texts. Why respond anymore? I don't feel the love between us anymore. I just feel the hurt. the anxiety. the fear. the sadness. My anxiety is ruining our relationship he tells me. My anxiety was right all along though, we have drifted apart. Every word another knife in our already shattered hearts. Where did the love go?

The end feels inevitable

I wanted a deeper love. I thought I had found it when I found my current Partner Camden. When we met in college, things were beautiful. For the first time in my life I felt wanted not just for my body and my looks and what I could offer. He listened to who I was. Hungrily learning how to love me. How to satisfy me. Camden offered me something that neither Briar, or Valiar, had offered me. He offered me understanding, sympathy, growth, empathy, kindness. 2 years apart, 4 ½ years of dealing with other people it has torn our communication and our relationship to shreds. 

Now we can't have one decent conversation without tearing one another apart. I'm on the edge. Have been for a long time. He doesn't understand the weight of his words and the shift that has occurred from our mostly one-sided relationship. I can't speak to him at this point without having an anxiety attack. A simple question that leads to another dozen texts. We don't talk anymore. We fall into the routine and fight. There's no joy. There's no communication. There's no pillow talk. There's no I wanna call em, routine. There's no sex when I'm around. Guilt from not being accessible to each other when I can't or refuse to drag myself two hours for sex I can't enjoy. 

The things that used to make relationships meaningful to me now just words in my head, on paper, on a screen. How do I build a relationship when I don't have the basics of what makes a relationship sustainable for me. Were in two different worlds. I feel like an acquaintance. 

Were exhausted. I don't know if were gonna make it this time around. I don't have anymore to give. I can't do it again. 6 years with Briar was long enough to fight for someone who ended leaving me empty handed. As he keeps reminding me we don't have an anniversary because we might not work. I guess he was right all along. Where do I go from here? I keep asking myself. I don't have anything more to give.

Why do you love me?

At random points in my past three relationships asked my partners “why do you love me?” it would be a random question. Always caught them off guard. They would usually stare at me and ask me “why, do you ask?” I’d say something along the lines of I don't know, I just want to know. I would also make clear that I didn't know why I asked but felt compelled to do so. I never got an answer, the topic just slowly drifting into other conversations. Still, I’d ask again and again. Each new partner, randomly questioning why do you love me. A loaded question for sure. 

I couldn't understand why it was so important to me to know. Until I looked from withing. I realized I wasn't asking why do you love me, I was asking what makes you love me? What makes me special to you? Why do you miss me when we are apart? What do you miss when we are apart? What makes me the right partner for you? 

I'm an unconditional lover. Love me and treat me right and I'll be loyal and love you with passion. But I don't think I have ever been unconditionally loved. The first time I ever felt unconditional love from my child, I was traumatized, I didn't know what that feeling was, I was triggered.

 When I do get an answer it's usually, “Your a good person, you have a good heart, you are sweet, you are cute, you are incredible in bed, you are caring, you take care of me, I love how you are with your son” while all wonderful things none of them describe love for me as a human being who has something to offer and not just taking space in the world taking care and being known for taking care of others. All superficial, conditional things. Things I love doing but doesn't identify me as a person. 

All things that other people can provide for them, rendering me useless to them. Making me wonder, Will they stop loving me tomorrow when I'm no longer cute, sweet? When I physically can't push the pain to perform good in bed? Will the love be gone when I am no longer to be a good person? Will they stop loving me if they saw what a mess I am right now? 

My partners always told me that they loved me. When I asked they all gave conditional reasons….

 

I believe them all

Meeting needs

  What are the chances that needs will be met and full satisfaction will be achieved? When does having unmet needs become unhealthy? When is it time to admit to that there isn't enough time for the emotional needs that often go unmet for me. Quality time, physical affection, someone to listen. Someone who wont accuse me of wanting to always fight, when I really just need a hug, an ear to listen. Someone who understands Someone to treat me like a princess for a couple of hours. Hearing it and feeling it are two different worlds.  

  Two worlds apart. split between love for another and love for myself. Loving myself is becoming easier but harder to love someone else. The vicious cycle from relationship to relationship. Misunderstood. I just wanted to feel important to someone but no one understood how to make me feel important. 

Communication lost. Misunderstandings. 

  They say they are happy when we are together, yet, we do little of the important things for me. When brought up they hear me telling them that they are a horrible partner. 

  I wouldn't travel and cook and clean for someone at their place of residence for a terrible partner. 

                 Yet, they tell me I make them feel horrible. that our relationship is unhealthy, We argue too much. 

    How do you communicate to someone that its not who they are or what they are doing that is being attacked, but rather, the lack of time that is being assigned to meeting my needs. 

I'm exhausted. I want to put down my sword. I want to feel supported but I rarely truly feel supported. 

    Its time to admit. I'm too much and Ill never find true happiness. 

where do I go from here? 

Alone

   I like being alone now. I used to struggle so much due to my anxiety. My relationship with my partner makes it impossible to not spend the majority of my time alone. Between them needing space, us “constantly” arguing, and limited time for intimacy due to work and other obligations to other people in their life, it often leaves me feeling, worse for wear. So, I’ve had to adjust to being alone. In the process I feel I’ve become distant. The only thing bringing me hope is the smile that inevitably appears on my face when we are connected. Feeling connected feels impossible when the majority of the time I’m alone. 

 Partner tells me they want to stay monogamous but tells me they want to be with other people. Can't deny I get the urge sometimes as well. 

 

BUT…

 

  Our relationship is complicated. I don't have the freedom to be with my partner how would bringing someone else make it better? Sex is important for me within an established relationship or hooking up when I’m single. Even more so, physically.  I want to feel good and taken care of not, used as a fuck toy by a random Dick or Pussy. I need to feel attraction to the other person. 

They like being with other people for the experience.

 I avoid being with other people because I deserve love, not to be treated like a sex object. We are different poly and sometimes I fear will never truly workout.

 I like being alone now. I'm alone even when we are in the same room. I don't think they realize it. I like being alone, but I don't want to feel alone in a relationship. So, I keep asking where do we go from here? 

Where do I go from here?