exhausted

Dec. 11. 23

To be completely honest with you it's not time. Time I have a lot of. Energy on the other hand. Not so much. I don't have energy like I used to. I struggle on a daily and it affects my mental health because I can't have the energy to be around people and hang out. It's an incredibly annoying feeling to have the time to do things but at the same time not have the energy to draft up a simple text. Let alone hang out. I'm disappointed. I have to mentally prepare myself as that helps me gather energy to do things even if my body doesn't want to. I’ve recently started drawing maps in my head to help me focus on my destination. That helps me realize that although it feels far it usually isn’t.

 

Fibromyalgia is a deadly disease. It can't be seen. It kills your social life, kills your mood, kills your body with pain that no one can see. I sometimes get exhausted hanging with hubby and my kid. Not because they require so much of me. But because I simply don’t have the spoons.

 

I’m exhausted. Today, I ran, (literally for missed busses and missed trains), from Brooklyn to my house to the store to get bud, round the corner 5 - 6 blocks with a massive cramp but I’m gonna be late so gotta run. I’ve been traveling to my doctor to get results for uti. It’s back. It was negative the previous test after the first one. But now it’s back. Great. We both know how that goes now. Then back towards the bud store where around the corner is the pharmacy. to wait 15 mins to get my meds. Then finally my house again. My body, however, isn’t feeling so well. I’m sweating and it’s cold outside. I had to take the train and got really bad vertigo. (Thinking about it just now made my body jump.) My back hurting. Cramp on my left side shooting down my leg. I started vaping in the train and didn’t care. Not normal for me. I’m not that disrespectful.  Finally on the way back to parents house. I’m sweating like a pig. Can’t unzip it’s too cold. I need a shower. I’m finally back but mom requires my attention the kids are getting sick. Now I must speak to my child  about zipping his coat. He now understands babies need him to protect them by protecting himself. Yay! Finally a shower. I’m relaxed. Baby boy wants to watch a movie. I need a nap. Try to take a nap. Can’t sleep. Watch Ed, Edd, and Eddy movie. Come to realize I hate the characters personalities. Try to make conversation. Get attitude. I need food and a nap. I get irritated and give him a last warning. 3 strikes you’re out. Literally.

 

 

The only enjoyable part of my day was cuddles and kisses all over my face. An exhausting shower and I feel bad cause I have to clean my face. But I remember the kisses all my face and I smile. I finish both movies. The one I hadn’t finished. The skeleton key. Good movie. Time to eat.

 

My mind try to unwind remembers I get an attitude from my child when I’m trying interact with them. Mom is cold as ice towards me but has  clean and folded my laundry and changed the curtains in my room.

 

Dad comes in to kitchen with baby in tow. Thinking it was my son he starts talking to my mom about him remembering drinking champagne while my son  drank his Milk in his bottle. Ignoring me as I try to get some food. I get offered beans by mom but they have macaroni noodles so I don’t eat it.

 

My body tells me I’m hungry but when I try to eat I don’t understand why I can’t eat. If I’m chewing too long I’m struggling to eat. No point in forcing it. Im starving. I can feel my stomach growling. But I don’t have an appetite. Even bud isn’t helping at the moment. I want to snack on something but don’t have the money to get something. I hate eating here. Always worried it’s gonna get thrown back in my face while they ignore the massive pile of bills I just gave them copies of for the renewal of rent. I owe to everything. But own nothing. I’ll never ask for help either. I’ll find my way. I’m almost there.

 

   I’m exhausted, though. Spinning in a wheel. As I type this my arms firing up. I don’t want to stop though. I feel I need therapy again. But what is the point? I already know what is happening and therapy isn’t gonna help. I’m coping as best I can but I do break at times. I don’t feel guilt. I feel lonely so I keep writing my thoughts as I hope for a better day tomorrow. In the meantime I’ll remember the laughter and my child taking care of his niece like he’s her big brother. The cuddles at lunch and the kisses before the crazy running and mind mapping. The good day my friend had at work. My child and I sharing a few movies. It’s not all good but there is some good in this god awful day. Till the next time

Flair up

I’ve been cleaning for the past two weeks. This last week a flair up started and I had to lapse on household chores.

 

Dishes left overnight a morning reminder of my perceived incompetence.

 

The embarrassment of garbage stinking up the living room as my son takes it out after making a remark that made me sink deeper into my perception of laziness.

 

I don’t blame him. He doesn’t understand fibromyalgia.

 

No one does.

 

All week I laid in bed. Many of which I spent crying because I wanted to do more.

 

Wishing I had someone who could help me pick up the slack only to look around and realize I have no one. Who can help me get through another flair up?

No one.

 

I’ve been Wanting to paint my toes. Take a warm bath. Have someone take care of me while I recover. I don’t have the energy to clean the tub. No one here to help.

 

 

No one.

No one understands the struggle.

No one to help.

No one to turn to.

period

I'm on my period. I don't eat when I get my period. There's no one here to remind me to eat. I keep losing weight. I lose my appetite. My period affects every area of my life, social, romantic, parenting. I don't feel myself. The pain eases when it comes but I don't feel right. I become emotionless. And emotional all at once. Anxiety attacks. Catharsis. Loneliness. My only company now. No one wants to be around me. or is it in my head?

Perhaps it was repeatedly being told that I should be alone like, I'm a child who needs to be told what they feel.

How can I be held if I'm alone?

How am I supposed to feel loved and cared for when I'm alone?

How can I be nurtured while my body sheds itself for two weeks?

Who do I turn to now? 

I wanted to call him but he's mad at me because we can't see each other.

My fault, apparently.

My mind reminding me.

It's my fault.

I needed love. But I represented destruction. I have no reprieve. No one understands. How can saying "I agree this Isn't the right way to communicate" lead to "I can't do this anymore?" 

Shhh...

Too real. Remember its your fault, its the way you talk, the way you say things. Its no one else's fault.

My anxiety is ruining everything.

"This is unhealthy." "This is toxic." "Your anxiety is ruining our relationship."

He doesn't understand anymore. He tries but he doesn't understand. Now, I don't reach out.  I deal with the pain alone.

When did it stop making sense?

I sit and wonder where did it stop making sense. After the last spontaneous session, I was left in a ball of imaginable pain. Laying, sitting, it hurts no matter what I do.

We go back to the room. The pain is intensifying. I wanna cry but my son is in the room with us.

I try to put on a brave face but its bad. Remembering the last time this happened with my fiance. I ended up in the hospital. This is the downside of the inevitable in a long term relationship. Sex becomes a nightmare. A beautiful rejuvenating act when done regularly can become my next hospital trip. Trauma and Fibromyalgia makes it difficult to relax the muscles enough for penetration. The longer I go without the worse it gets. 

The last time we were together for a month, we had relations a total amount of 4x in the month. last month 3x . Now, two weeks into the month and nothing.

Haven't ran to see him. 

We both knew the past two months would be rough.I don't have the freedom either financially or as a responsible parent to just leave, travel two hours, get banged and possible cuddles and  head back home even by cab. Its a lot.

I stayed a month. He knows I wont stay if we get into an argument, yet, tells me and our therapist that he doesn't have the desire because we argue too much. My last recollection of an argument before staying the month with him, being when we babysat the end of the previous month.

What desire will there be when hes stressed about work all day. He acknowledges me telling him I need some, but doesn't reciprocate. 

No time for romance. No time for a date to purge the bad. A movie date where we sit close and let the issues just sit between us and fester. No time to talk. No time for the things that get me there. The quality time that eases me and fosters closeness between me and a partner.

Shh....

It goes against their freedom of speech. Their right to express themselves.

I Don't say anything about the issue of needing romance before a good dig out. Not this time. We already discussed it. What a fool I'am. I thought he understood.

Shh...

I'm causing a lot of trouble. Its my fault. After all, its my traumas to heal. It should just be enough that we both need a connection. It should just be enough that he needs to ram his gf to feel better. I shouldn't have protested. I shouldn't have tried to communicate. I should have just kept it short.

Shh..

A trip to the hospital isn't the worst. Maybe they'll find something this time instead of telling me I have a tear in my stomach.  At least he wont be mad anymore and I wont be suffering.  Were both in need of the same thing. Both needing different things to satisfy the need so instead of finding the solution, we separate.

They get mad at me. Call me irrational when I'm dealing with the same emotionally and physically draining lack of sex. 

I'm not superwoman. 

I need love